Wed, April 26 - I feel average.

I do not feel well today.

Actually, I don't feel really good these days. 

I haven't shared my feelings publicly for a while, and haven't maintained my blog on a frequent basis. Since there's nobody here anymore, and I don't feel like keeping a journal (I tried but pen is a NO for me), I can just open another page on my personal website and pour all my hidden thoughts here. After all, if they are not just for myself, I shouldn't call them "hidden" anymore right? Because there might be some of you who will read this sooner or later. 😄  Honestly, I don't want to bombard hundreds of thousands people with my silly thoughts, but a couple of hundred, well, I think I am okay with that. 

I guess I should start writing again and not keep all those feelings in my head anymore, or I will explode, like a time bomb. 💣 BAM BAM BAM 💣 💣 💣 💣

I am at Zero X, an ambient place for students to meet and study and chill, just about 1 mile from my apartment. This place has amazing Mangonada - a drink that I can't stop loving! It has all the flavors I need - salty, sweet, sour, spicy and Mango!! Pretty similar to Xoai Dam but cooler. Whenever I feel down, this one makes me feel a lotttt better. Is it because my feeling right now is kinda messy like all those flavors together? Maybe. Or I am just trying to make a connection with a drink. 

Sooo....why don't I feel good, motivated, upbeat, positive? 

1. I heard a lot of "I told you so" these days, and that annoys me AF. Really. 

From the very tiny thing like an idea, to the moment that my decision didn't come out as I expected. I don't know if they can do any better, and if they do, good for them! Please let me learn and fall, please don't worry about me that much, and please freaking stop saying those 4 words. Usually, strangers won't say that often, and I really don't give a damn about them whining, commenting either, but you know, friends, partners, families will be the ones who regularly say that to you. At the end of the day, you will feel hurt so much more if the one causing it is somebody who is close to you, eh.

 

2. There's a lot going with OFELIA and I can't control my mind properly.

Sometimes I am overwhelmed and exhausted with all the arguments and fights. I learned and I knew that "Together is Better", but there is time, like right now, I am just too tired and want to stay alone. Sometimes I don't know if we are a good fit anymore, sometimes I truly feel lost. At time like this, I am not sure if I am working for my dream, or just to please anyone, or everyone. 

Doing business in VN is difficult and stressful. It's crazy how the law means nothing and you cannot get things you should have had by just following the law. There's so much more than that, more ridiculous stuff than that. I heard from Dad since I was little, but didn't expect it to be so frustrating until I experience it myself. Transparency is definitely not a thing when it comes to business in VN I guess. 

I don't like explaining myself to people anymore, cuz I better use that time to create something else and work harder. But sometimes I am too depressed NOT to say anything. Well I am not gonna scream and complain on social media, butttt I still have to speak for my justice!! Some people thought it was one call, one shot, quick success, overnight popularity, but it wasn't! I did work my butt off, and I will work harder!!!!

 

3. I finished "13 reasons why" in 3 days. Oh boy that shit is heavy.

I love every single second of it. I was never bullied during high school, but there are parts of that series that I can see myself clearly in it. Well, my situation wasn't as sad as Hannah's and I'm glad that I never suffered anything like her. It's just, I used to feel very lonely and cannot tell anyone how I felt, even my parents, or my close friends. It's a teenager thing, I think. 

I'm still processing through although the series are done. There are just too many emotions going on. Like I said, that shit is heavy, and overwhelming. Lack of love and empathy can lead people to regretful decisions. 

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THINGS I SHOULD LEARN ASAP:

- how to handle criticisms better

- how to stay away from negative people, negative thoughts, negative places faster

- how to motivate myself quicker

- how to not stress out myself

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That's it for today. I will finish my drink and grab some popcorn chicken from the next door store. 

❤️